Over 200 years ago, our great country was founded under the God-given rights of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the proposal that all men are created equal. Today, we are met with the near imminent override of the DREAM Act; an executive order that so generously allows for our immigrants to give back to the very country that supplied them refuge from the struggles they once faced. America must remain a country that secures an individual's right to free choice, and serve as a proper settlement for all who are willing to contribute to the bettering of our ideals. I am pleased and honored to be among individuals today who have previously served to protect these ideals, we are all thankful for your sacrifices. It is more important now than ever that we band together as a people and decide what our country will symbolize to future generations.
 |
| The love-child of Abraham Lincoln and Cameron Zuck |
Your first sentence is a little too similar to the Ghettysberg address, so although you keep the same style throughout it, it might come off as just changing syntax and a few words here and there. You also did a really good job at addressing the fact that this is at Veterans park, but maybe add something that could relate to something religious since it is Easter weekend. I also think you kept an earnest tone, but I feel like your last sentence was a little rushed and therefore lacks the same tone as the rest of your introduction.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Teagan on the first sentence and the "pursuit of happiness" is more like the Declaration of Independence. However, that being said you did mention the audience and their sacrafice because they are veterans. Using "I" is something Lincoln doesnt do often, he uses more words like "our" and "we" so that is one thing to think about next time. Overall I liked it and thought it was effective but not exactly in the voice of Lincoln.
ReplyDeleteTo focus on the good aspects of the blog, your diction was well chosen for a persuasive introduction. It mimicked the educated language Lincoln used while still being clear enough for the people to understand. You knew your audience and I liked the way you mentioned veterans directly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Teagan on mentioning a religiously related line. You lacked knowing your setting a bit and needed to mention something about God or the Bible. You also could have used WE more instead of I to engage the audience and mirror the way Lincoln related to the people. I also think that the first line was, like Teagan said, similar to the first line of the Gettysburg Address and because of this, your syntax changes from how Lincoln would talk to more of your own voice in the last few sentences. Overall, your blog was very well written and the picture at the bottom was hilarious!
I definitely agree with a lot of what the other comments had to say! For starters, my introductory sentence seems a bit too similar to Lincoln's. There are other effective ways I could have started this piece, without coming off as if I am directly copying Lincoln. The last sentence also seemed to be a bit abrupt, making it seem rushed and breaking the flow of the rest of the writing. I should have also properly mentioned the occasion and setting from which this speech is taking place, as well as references to religion, as Lincoln did in his address.
ReplyDeleteI think you did an excellent job matching the tone and diction of Lincoln, modernized it a little but not so much that it lost the touch of Lincoln (if that makes sense). And as Lincoln would do you tried to unite the audience to come together as a whole. Overall I honestly couldn't see much wrong, Like others have said, maybe addressing the audience directly, however, I think that it can be excused for the fact that its an introduction to a speech and that can be done later. I can see the other side of the argument, but I think its good.
ReplyDeleteAnthony,
ReplyDeleteThis was a a great job mimicing Lincoln's style, and purpose. The only issue I have with your opening is that you use diction such as "imminent override," which does not seem to convey Lincoln's choice of diction appropriately. aside from this, your opening is fantastic. I would rate this 6-7 as you seem to have an informed purpose, context, and form, as well as attempting to use appropriate diction.
I think you did a really good job mimicking the tone of Lincoln, I also really like how you started this. It was very persuasive, just like Lincoln's speech. I also like how you went on about the one idea and expanded on the one thing. Rating this i would give it about a band 4 or 5. You did a really good job!
ReplyDeleteAlright well sorry Mr. Zuck but this just blew you out of the water. Anthony you wrote this perfectly and I would put you in the band 1 section because to tell you the truth I can't find any flaws with this. You spoke just like Lincoln would in my eyes. You spoke formally and respectfully just like he would have. You also wrote perfectly. You had a hook and it worked perfectly. Oh my god and your ending. Flawless. When your older do something in politics. I love it babe.
ReplyDelete